oh Jazzy,

He didn't mean it. and trust me - it's not true. you're probably right and he says things like that to everyone, i have an uncle who is like that, he knows what hurts a woman the most and he exploits it just to get a rise out of you.

and this may sound silly, and i'm not trying to offend you, but do you think he actually said that? was he talking to you? did he mean what you think? 

cause sometimes i hear things and when other people are there they say 'no, that's not what so and so said at all, or ment...' its like i have an ear that pics up all negative comments to my body. sometimes i hear people on the street muttering at how fat i am but surely it's all in my head? but that's just me.

you're a strong woman Jazz, and i'm so proud of you for getting to where you are now. plus you should have faith in yourself, you know you work your ass off anyway with gym and dance etc. you're not lazy at all and you're extremely intelligent. keep fighting it, i have faith in you, i'm so mad at him for saying that even if he didn't say it! as you said, he really does have no idea how it is to have an ED. no idea.

i'm glad you're parents are back, you really missed them. you took really good care of your dog! i have trouble disiplining mine.

take care Jazz,

lots and lots of love and respect,

jo

x

why don't you come up here one night?  are u still working at the temp job?  If u aren't, why dont u come up one day and stay the night.  we will be packing and stuff but we can still have fun! and it would be good for u to have a night away from ur brother i think!

xx

it's about a girl called Belle, who moves to a small country town called Forks and lives with her Dad. She meets Edward at school, and the Cullens (his family name) and is intrigued by them. She ends up finding out he is a vampire. it's not all gore gore gore, it's quite a charming story, you fall in love with Edward too. and its pretty modern so you can relate. there are 4 books total. Werewolf's are introduced as well. it's kinda interesting about Vampires cause it doesn't follow all the traditional - vampires can only come in if they're invited, they only come out at night, vampires turn into bats, etc. the Cullens are 'vegetarians.' do give it a try, everyone i know who's read it, loves it. i love it.

thanks for you're advice, i think my mums right too. it's just easier said than done.

x 

that's love, that is. (with Fraser.) i really do think so! you know it's love when you have to overcome gross things like that. i probably sound messed up.

i watched 90210 on eztv. i love it. but you're right they are so skinny. ie. Silver. my god. how? i don't get it.

i'm glad those thoughts you have go away. you do what i do when i get a compliment - i try and find a justification for it - oh that's because it was dark and you couldn't see me etc. never believing it. always thinking it's an illusion...

i'm still reading virginia andrews... love it. did i already ask you if you got into the "Twilight" series by Stephanie Meyer? Vampire love story. try it!

i became obsessed.

so obsessed i probably already told you about it and forgot.

take care hun,

jo

x

[jozzi]

i haven't watched 90210 yet. i was at rehearsals. so it's good hey? do you like gossip girl? cause that's what i watch atm.

i remember Darcy, she was skinny enough in degrassi! the girls in gossip girl are skinny too. meh. i try watching the simpsons/southpark or something afterwards to forget about the skinny girls. sometimes it works lol. it almost seems physically impossible, how they be so skinny, and have any energy? cocaine? are thier pupils dialated? obviously i'm morbidly facinated. i'll stop.

what's the book about?

you should make plans with your friends on weekends. you don't work on weekends anymore, (i think?) you should make the most of it! so good they're having a good time. mum's and dads' need a break now and then.

x

[jozzi]

it is scary, but you'll probably end up having the best time. think of the freedom! you don't have to worry about telling them where you are and what you're doing, you could have a huge party lol. and don't beat yourself up about the 5mg, it must be such a hard thing to do, and as i always say, you're very very strong, you don't think you are, but you are and you're going to be fine :) have some fun!

ox

Thank you for the comment. You seem like a cool person, so I added you to my favs. cause normally I keep my diary on semi-private.

Sorry about your anxiety. I have an anxiety disorder, so I understand at least somewhat.

What are you taking for depression? I'm SUPPOSED to be on meds too, but I don't take them cause I'm bipolar and like to stay off my meds to get manic. But I've been on antidepressants before they realized I'm bipolar.

Those are some good positives! I'm glad you can see the bright side of things, that's VERY good!

Loneliness is one of the WORST feelings EVER, IMO. I feel ya there. Glad that helped to get it all out! 

Since I just added you, I was wondering if you could tell me a little about yourself. I learned a lot from this entry alone, I think, but I'm curious. I'll tell you a little about me too.

Take care,

- Chris

oh, also, THANKyou so much for telling me about Mercy Ministries.  I have almost finished applying and will most likely be in the first group to go to the canada building, which will be ready at the end of the year.  all i have to do is send in the medical part of my application and get the letter from my doctor and couselors.  i just hope they don't take too long!!!!!

anyways, YOU are the one who brought Mercy to my attention.  so thankyou so much Jazzy!!!

-Rebecca

you did it! that's so awesome! i wish i went to my graduation, you look so cool in the robe! you'll remember it always :0)

x

Congrats!  One job will always lead to another.  The more experience u get, the more employers like u and the more u will start to know what types of admin and other jobs u do and dont like.

congrats again!!!! (is it close to home or do u have to drive a long way away?)

we r leaving the last day of exam block so i think its like the 24th of June next year?  We got quoted 4000 for the flights, our Egypt tour is costing like 800, and the greek Islands tour looks like about 1000 too, so its not that bad.  I already have 1000 saved in the past three or four weeks so im hoping that i can get it all saved!

You should totally go to Egypt.  Our tour is a Nile Cruise as well but my uncle is looking at it because its three days ona Felucca and the Nile has pirates and he said its not really that safe.  You can look through all my brochures next time i see u if u like?

Happy Graduation day!!!!!!!!!!

xx

Oh Wow!! I am so excited for you!  I still have another three and a half years to go before I get to do the whole graduation ceremony with the robe and hat thingy.  Yay!!  I wish I could come see u graduate.  Are you still joining the temp agency?  Last time I spoke to you, thats what you were doing.  Well anyways, take lots of pictures for me ok?  And show them to me next time I see you!

All the best for tomorrow miss Jas! xx

gosh that must have been pretty spun out! you never know do you? anyone can come in to a shopping center... but luckily everyone was smart and you's all contributed to catching him.

wow the price of dreamworld has gone up! but it will be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worth it!!! i think i'm an RACQ member, thanks so much for the info, i really appreciate it.

take care,

jo

yay yay yay

i love dreamworld. i want to go. glad you had a great day!

for the longest time i was scared to ride on rollercoasters too!
i somewhat love them now though(:

you're probably right, after finishing college you'll have a lot more time to think. have you tried telling your Mum about it? you sound worried. i have faith in you - you are so strong and you really are doing so well.

though, i mean, it's so hard in this world for a women NOT to think about food, weight, calories and fat - and off the subject a bit, imagine how the primary school kids feel with all the tv ad's targetted at childhood obesity; it being discussed so much on the news, in the papers... i feel so bad for them all, children are so impressionable, i think they will have seriously distorted self images by the time they are adults. but hopefully they won't; but what i'm saying is, i'm sure i'd be very affected by it.

if you are feeling those warning lights then maybe you should talk to someone, it might build up if you keep it to yourself. but it's up to you. and as i said, i have total confidence in you.

and i'm sorry that i still have food/weight/head issues that i write about sometimes in my diary; i wish i could let it all go, but i have to write about it. i'm sorry its so negative and probably a bad influence. but i'm trying to be normal. maybe i am normal, but i don't feel like i am. sorry, i'm babbling.

take care hun, i really hope you're okay,

jo 

Hey -

Would you consider being a flight attendant? My friend got a job with Virgin and it's incredible. She goes so many places, and there's plenty of opportunity to move up, ie head of cabin crew, to stuff in HR and management. Very interesting.

Ash

 'I need to buy some nice clothes to get into the workforce and for job interviews' - and to party! i love cassie. her clothes are so cool. you should definately get that dress. get two! then you can experiment on one and if it doesn't work you'll have another one! i love clothes....

congrats on graduating! i'm working all weekend too :(

[jozzi]

ah well congrats in graduating from college! thats some really cool stuff. && i so would have bought that dress too lol hey, $5 for a dress? you can make it work. hehe.

-peyton,<3

you have come such a long way. i am so proud of you.

Hey thanks for r comment, everthing u say in this enrty is so true. I remember when i had it really bad it messed everything up for me, i remember i had a b.f when i was 16 and he offerd to take me out places take me to nice resturants but it was pointless coz anything to do with food terrified me. If i had eaten 1 day i wudnt leave my house for a day or two starving myself and when my stomach felt empty id be happy to go out again.

I didnt care what other people told me bout being too thin my family told me to stop dieting but the thing that got me angry with my family was they were the ones who called me fat and all sorts of names when i was big. When i was 15 i was 13stne. I hated people calling me fat but i put on a brave face n made out i didnt care but inside i was breaking.

When i was 15 i took an overdose and was put into a hospital for teens with problems n iremember this girl in there and everytime at breakfast lunch and dinner wed all have to go in the kitchen and staff payd special attention to this girl makming sure she ate something, I had never heard of anorexia or bulimia untill i was in there. I heard her talking to someone saying how proud she was as shed lost 6lbs in 1 week. It got me thnking and id slowly eat less food and i only ate healthy foods but after a wile id lost a bit of weight n people were sayingf i looked better but there was still more to lose n with everyone noticing my weight loss i got a reall buzz from the compliments.

After 9mnths id lost 5stone id starve for as long as possible upto 10days n wen i did eat it wud only b sumit like a sandwhich then id throw it up then start starving all over again. I felt like giving up coz everyday felt like a losing battle, i spose with the things that went on in my life food was the only thing i cud controll.

But then i met my b.f at 17 who im still with and gradually he made me see how dangerous starving was, What hed do is take me intop the kitchen make a salad or something lite n healthy and id watch how hed do it coz i was paranoid hed fry sumit but seeing him make it all fresh and healthy i felt a lil better but slowly id eat it take 1 mouthfull leave it a bit then another and gradually i realised i was taking controll instead of it controlling me. Iv had the odd slip up here and there but nothing to complain bout really.

so wats ur name n how old r, when did ur ed start luv chloe xx

yay sunday off :)

you sound soooooo stressed. it will pass, at least you do get out of bed, i've felt like that before and stayed in bed most of the day. maybe you should make the lists on paper and then you wont forget :P

and someday you will have a better job and all this experience to back you up.

good luck on your assignments! are there some holidays soon?

oh i haven't seen the finale yet, we tried to get it but couldn't find it anywhere. i was really sad about chris last episode. don't tell me what happens!

good on you for going to the gym by yourself! it must feel great having more freedom. you should definately go to winton for the dinosaur dig. i've always wanted to go there, some friends from uni lived their and it's a real... 'character' of a town. real friendly. and actual dinosaur bones, i mean, WOW!

[jozzi]

how did your driving test go? did you get your licence?

oh man a fitness assesment would be awesome. i'd love one. do they do that at all gyms? i seriously have gym phobia or something + we only just got a gym up here in country land. man i osund like a dork.

good luck on your assignmenting, have fun at sizzler :)

[jozzi]

they sure are a lovable bunch, skins eh ;)

the beginnning of the second series is a tad depressin but once its michelles episode it gets all arty n skinsy again :)

xxx

wow i do body balance!

im glad u like skins!!!whos ur fav girl n whos ur fav guy?

my fav girl is cassie coz shes sensitive like me, n i cnt decide between chris n maxxie as my favourite guys coz chris is hilarious n maxxie is the hottest blonde guy ive ever seen!

i wont tell you what happens in the second series dw ;)

xxxx

lol 'wii wii' kids are so cute. body balance sounds awesome. is it like yoga or...?

good luck on your driving test!

man that couch sounds awesome......

hey you've got the right attitude. as susan says, recovery is a looong process. i believe in you, and you really have come so far.

much love,

jo

omigosh easter shopping was madness, it must have been so stressful working in retail at a time like that. i worked during easter too, but it was all good.

i don't understand anything about the bird flu thing, i must have missed the news when it was happening... something to research. i should know this stuff!! i hope nothing big does happen, it's really scary to think about.

dude, that's how i felt when i turned 19 too. 18 was the best year ever. but hey, it's not the end of the world. and your still really young, you're life is just beginning!

~happy birthday to you~

~happy birthday to you~

Have a wonderful day my friend! Really. I hope it's the best. You deserve it~

DON'T take relaspe as a failure. It's okay. We all have set backs. Recovery takes years my friend. I think I still had the occasional set back for a few years. I still have my moments but I don't binge/purge/self harm. I tend to skip meals and struggle with my weight a little but more out of habit than anything else. It's okay. You're okay. You are still recovered. Don't knock yourself about.

I am not on much at the moment; serious issues in my life and very busy working everyday. If you would like to email me more regularly let me know, I will send you a 'safe' email address via yours or my diary.

[Susans]

JAS!!! dont feel bad about it!

now u know what they are expecting of you and how to act and how they will act with you so next time you go you will feel a little more relaxed and you probably wont get the same person.  And he doesnt sound like a good examiner because they are supposed to teach you what you have done wrong if they fail you and it doesnt sound like you know for sure and thats very wrong of him.

You will be ok, that gives you time to practice and talk with your instructer about how to go about that situation so that next time, you will be fine and comfortable.

Its not the end of the world, its just giving you more time!

xoxo

see u next week ok?

Ya i dont like group projects either, luckily when i have worked with my friends we can get things done, but forsure in group work i find i am the one doing majority of the work because i care about getting a good grade and no one else does! its sooo frustrating! 

Yes, I have tried calling at different times of the day.  And I could leave a message, but then they would call back, and if I'm not the one who answers the phone or they leave a message....  "Hi, this is Westwind Eating Disorders Clinic... blah blah blah..."  I can just see my little 10 year old brother now... "What?  Why are they calling here?  Does Becca have and eating disorder?  Is that why she was throwing up?"  Maybe when he is 20 I'll tell him.  But not at 10.  Besides, at 20 I'll be better then!!  lol!!  Jazzy...  I don't know your name, but thank you for all your support.  I really really REALLY appreciate it.  You have no idea.

-Rebecca

YO!!  Try this:  Take a bath, while reading a good book, with candles, and just for extra soothingness, (is that even a WORD??? lol!!) sip some nice peppermint tea.  I can almost guarantee that you will be calmed down.

-Rebecca

omigod you sound like i feel sometimes!! i don't mind doing extra hours and being called in - with notice; but other times are hard - like, they always know that i'm 'available' but i've had to cancell friends/family things that have already been planned - it always seems to happen, i always have to cancell. i have also been at work like, the new girl, a number of times when NO ONE has shown up to a shift, just me there and it pisses me off. anyway i'm sure she was soooooooooooo grateful to you for coming in to help her, good on you.

as for your wrist - thank god it's not cancerous! and they'll go away, it won't be around for much longer :)

take care, and you have heaps of time to think about what to do with your life, i'm still figuring mine out, and i know 50 year olds who are doing the same thing; as long as your happy with your choice, you'll be fine, follow your heart.

Where are you planning to travel? There is always a spare room in Sydney if you want one.....

I am having trouble thinking what to do now also; that I have finished my study for the time being. I want to do a diploma (another one) or degree but I'm not that smart so I don't know. I don't find Kath and Kim funny, in general....

Maybe you aren't afraid of the real world; maybe you just need some support to face it...

thats So weird that you just wrote about a ganglion cyst... i just took my brother to an afterhours clinic because he had a bump on his foot and they said it was a ganglion cyst!!

he says it doesnt hurt him (he has down syndrome so he might not understand it hurts or it might not hurt at all) anyways he has to get an ulterasound

ah yes hayfever... dust too. i take xergic but it only lasts 24 hours.

wow has it been that long on lexapro? you're doing great. seriously, you probably don't feel like it but you'll be able to do it. i remember a long time ago you said you hated the medication because it made you feel numb. better to feel something then nothing at all? right? i know you can do this. don't doubt yourself.

Hey -

I know you probably don't really care what a stranger thinks you should do with your career, but for what it's worth, here's my thoughts.

Teaching - An ok choice. However, when it comes time to having your own family, you might find it difficult to give your all to the children you teach, then to come home and continue on with it to your own children, continue to nurture and care for your own children. When would you 'switch off'?

Also, while teaching is a fine job, and well paid, as you age, and have a family, acquire a home and the desire to take your family on holidays etc etc, there is little room for pay rises to accommodate all of this. I know that money isn't everything, but with more mouths to feed, a bigger home to accomodate everyone, more money seems to go hand in hand.

On the plus side, I hear that, despite having a large workload to take home after school, there are ample holidays and that it really is an enjoyable job.

As for the tourism job, imagine the cut price holidays! The interesting trips you can plan for people each day. When you take your own holidays you will know exactly where to go, what to see and what time of year to go.

Money-wise, I do not know about the pay rates, but am certain that there are performance based bonuses, management positions, and you could even have your own travel agency or tour guide business.

Wow. Lots to think about.

Ash

I know that's really cruel.. good that you wrote to them.

no it's not compulsory to vote here.

agreed.

[jozzi]

if it's something you really want to do, then you will be able to do it. it's amazing how much you can fit into that period of time. think how much knowledge you'll have after all that :)

I'm sorry about your teacher's dad. I don't even want to think about how would it feel to lose your parents.

Good luck with your goals :) I hope you succeed in achieving them.

those really are smart goals! you'll be able to do it i believe in you. great choices :)

yeah it must be hard to loose a parent... really hard. i think i'll be a mess when mine go.....

wow you've nearly got your dipoma!! time flies. you should try management too, i reckon you'd be a great boss.

i have no idea of how to even upload a photo on this site sorry  can't help you there!!

have fun at dance!

it must have been a hard day at work with the receipts. they definately should have got someone, like your brother for example, to fix the computers. have a great time at the beach!

Jazz, I hope you have a wonderful time on the beach. Don't forget to share pictures :) I'm sure you have beautiful beaches in your Country.

As for a part-time  / work-at-home jobs... i'v been looking for one for sometime, but no luck so far. I don't think I'd be able to work at home though. A part-time is the best option for me.

the teacher wears a box(small) near their belt and a small mic attached to the box via a thin cord, on the top of their shirt. My son has a small silver microlink attached to one aid. He then hears everything as if the speaker was right next to him without all the background noise competing so much. It will help him in class and assemblies, he is hearing impaired.

[Susans]

EDs suck big time and it takes a very strong person to recover, and that's what you are :) I hope lowering the dosage will go well!

you should get the cyst checked soon, i am sure it's nothing, but just to be on the safe side!

Happy holidays. When will you be coming back? I'll miss you :)

hello!!  i have added you now, and i will write more later (i really need to update my diary) but my class starts in like 3 and a half minutes!!  lol!!

-Rebecca

[paperthin]

I was given phenergan too, so was my husband and everyone else I know and we turned out perfectly alright. But I still feel bad about drugging him :) you know?? :)

I do use teething gel on his gums and it does help somewhat with the discomfort... but it's just bad, bad bad :)

stupid people suck jas.... they suck!!!!

xoxo

must catch up soon... sunday maybe?? after work?

Whoa.. you do get really wierd customers at the store!! No wonder you are so stressed out.

I hope you feel better soon!! Have good trip on the 26th :)